When a baby dies...
... everything changes - joy becomes sorrow. You experience
the loss of a dream, a wished for child, hopes for the future,
a relationship that barely began
Parents express feeling of loss:
"We never thought for a moment that instead
of a crib, we would need a casket. Instead of reading
books on parenting, we'd be reading prayers and sympathy
cards."
"I was hard to say goodbye before I had a chance
to say hello."
When birth and death go hand in hand, the loss is
tragic. Parents may receive well meaning but thoughtless
messages such as: "You'll get over it... it
is all for the best... you can always have another
one."
Impact on the Family
At first, parents feel shock. Then feeling of anger, loneliness,
emptiness, guilt and fear start to surface. Each reaction
is individual. A sense of isolation is common and parents
may have little energy for their families. Remaining children,
if any, become the silent mourners and find themselves alone
in their sorrow.
Grandparents, are often called on for support, suffer grief
over losing a grandchild, and watch their own child's pain.
Other family issues such as financial concerns or marital
problems might complicate grief.
How Might the Family Cope?
With time, family members learn to live with this loss
and go on with their lives. Other bereaved parents suggest
the following:
- talk openly to each other about how you feel
- share your loss with a supportive individual or group
- educate yourself about bereavement
- minimize stressful situations whenever possible
- live life one day at a time
What is an Infant Loss Program?
Bereaved Families of Ontario (BFO) - Durham Region,
a self-help, mutual-aid, organization. It offers
an infant loss program for parents who have experienced
the following; a miscarriage, therapeutic abortion,
stillbirth, stillborn, neo-natal loss, perinatal
loss, newborn loss, or the loss of an infant under
two years of age.
BFO - Durham Region provides caring support to
help families cope with the painful reality of their
loss. Small group discussions are led by trained
volunteers who are parents that have experienced
the loss of an infant. For eight to ten weeks, groups
of approximately six to eight parents meet each
week for two hours. The groups are supervised by
professional experts in the nature and dynamics
of grief.
Why Participate in a Support Group?
Joining an infant loss support group is a way of honouring
your child's memory. It is a safe environment for expressing
feeling of loss. Members receive support and encouragement
to go on with living, as well as providing support to fellow
group members. It is understood that by talking you are
helping yourself and other who may be experiencing similar
pain.
Some issues that groups may discuss include:
- uniqueness of infant loss in our society
- feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, fear, and isolation
- ways of integrating the loss within relationships
with partners, children, families, and friends.
Groups may consist of mothers and/or fathers whose
loss is recent or whose baby died years ago.
The group would complement any professional support you
may be receiving.
What Additional Support Does BFO - Durham Region
Offer?
Support groups for parents who have lost an older
child
One-on-one peer support
Infant loss drop-nights
Family support nights
A quarterly newsletter
Angels' Tree of Light ceremony in December
Library of books and videos
Volunteer training program
There is no charge for services
Back to Information
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