Courage in Grief

     Grief can transform us and reveal a dimension of ourselves we never knew. I’m thinking of Jill Hill, the amazing bereaved Mum from Halton-Peel, who bicycled across the province this summer to commemorate the 10th anniversary of her daughter’s death. IT would have been easy for Jill to commemorate the day differently, without the intensive physical effort and psychological dedication that this ride has demanded of her. How many of us, approaching middle age or there already, would dare to confront our limitations by the daily challenge of a marathon bicycle ride? How many of us, in the peacefully numbing respite of long-term grief would dare to revisit the original devastation of our loss by holding our child in our minds and our hearts with every breath and painful movement of our lives? Yet Jill has chosen to do just that.

     Her ride has not been easy, but the journey was a way for Jill to remain connected to her daughter while discovering more about her present self, the person she has become as a result of her death. Something in Jill asked for more then the usual experience of grief and commemoration; something in her demanded a voice and asked to be hear. Something in her, a part of herself she never knew, called out and asked her to descend into the darkness of the unknown so that it might be found and retrieved.

     Is that not what this experience of grief asks of each one of us? Jill’s ride and her marathon of hope reminds every member of Bereaved Families of Ontario of the potential fruits of this awesome grief experience. Jill’s message to each of us is this: in the devastation of loss, we can renew our sense of self and grow in our ability to fact the challenges of life.

     Psychologists speak of resilience; of the ability to thrive, not just survive, after having encountered adversity. As Jill rode, I wonder if she sensed the trauma of her daughter’s death being converted into hope and meaning? Jill’s courageous ride asks us to question why some people respond to suffering by transforming themselves and finding new meanings to their lives while others respond by falling apart, stagnating, protecting themselves, and eventually becoming bitter and enraged.

     Look at yourself: what is your stance towards this horrendously painful experience you have been given? Jill has shown us that in order to make the most of our experience as bereaved parents, once our initial railing against the loss is done, rather than continuing to ask, "Why me? What is?" we can also respond by saying, "What can I make of this? How can I deal with it? What can I do to change the situation and convert it into an experience of hope and life?"

     It’s not an easy choice for it requires a daily confrontation with our weakness and human frailty, but if the challenge of hope is accepted, in the end we will triumph over loss... and carry our children with us into an expanded life we once would never have thought possible.

     Thank you, Jill, for our courage in the face of adversity. Thank you, Jill, for reminding us that in this journey through grief, we can grow, develop and find an inner strength and integrity that we never dreamed of before.

Susan Hendricks

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