SIX “TS” OF GRIEF RECOVERY

TIME - How long depends upon the individual; no one can accurately predict.  Well meaning friends and relatives may erroneously tell you, “It’s been XX months, you should be over it now". You may be tempted to set those same expectations for yourself.  Take the time to grieve now, not later.  Unless you experience the pain and learn to live with it, unresolved grief will continue to come back when you least expect it in many other forms such as anger, guilt or depression.  You’ll know when you have recovered when perhaps one morning you wake up and realize that choking lump in your throat has gone and you have begun to resume control of your life.

TEARS - Allow yourself to cry; the tears are healing.  Let them flow for their cleansing value; they carry away waste chemicals that have built up in your body.  If you cannot do so in public or at work, find a safe place such as a bereavement outreach or self-help network that can understand your tears.  It’s amazing the volume of tears and what brings them on (it’s not always an obvious reminder of your loved one)!  Remember to drink more water; tears tend to dehydrate you.

TALK - Talk about your memories of your loved one and the details of their dying.  Find understanding listeners.  Talking helps to finalize their death and to dispel the myth that they will be back. Sometimes friends and relatives fear to mention the deceased thinking it will make you cry.  Assure them that you want to talk because it will help you recover.  You must trust in yourself that you will recover from this grief.

TOUCH - You miss those hugs and touches from your loved one.  Sometimes soon after their death, you build up a defensive shell around yourself.  You may feel like a robot or a zombie.  Allow yourself to be pampered, hugged and cosseted.  If you’re all alone without any family, make arrangements with a friend to give you a “healing hug” if you look or feel like you need it.  Bereaved children need lots of hugs to reassure them of your continuing love.

TRUST - You must trust in yourself that you will recover from this grief. You may have begun to question your trust in your religion.  The anger you feel about your loved one leaving so many details for you to deal with may cause you to doubt your trust in yourself.  It is a growing and learning experience to rediscover you as an individual.

TOIL - Each person grieves in their own way that is right for them.  Other words for toil are tiring work, drudgery, hard struggle, a laborious effort, strenuous fatiguing labor, to achieve a task despite the difficulties.  Recognize that grief recovery is all this and more, but it’s worth the effort.  You will need to get more rest and eat healthily and regularly to renew your body for this work you must do.

~ Author Unknown ~ from www.friendsforsurvival.org 

Like a comet blazing across the evening sky - gone too soon.
Like a rainbow fading in the twinkling of an eye - gone too soon.

Shiny and sparkly and splendidly bright, here one day, gone one night.

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon - gone too soon.
Like a castle built upon a sandy beach - gone too soon.
Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach - gone too soon.

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight, here one day, gone one night.

Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon - gone too soon.

Gone too soon.

~ Buz Kohan

Like Springtime, let me unfold and grow fresh and anew from this cocoon of grief that has been spun around me.  Help me face the harsh reality of sunshine and renewed life, as my bones still creak from the winter of my grief.  Life has dared to go on around me, and as I recover from the insult of life's continuance, I re-adjust my focus to include recovery and growth as a possibility in my future.  Give me the strength to break out of the cocoon of my grief.  But may I never forget it as the place where I grew my wings, becoming a new person because of my loss.

                                                              ~ Janis Hell, Albany, NY